If I laugh – you will win!

If ever I’m down, I pull up this old email with this: It may take a minute to read…but I always belt out laughing. ENJOY my dear! 😉
Jen

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually
have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major
portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. These notes are from an inexperienced
chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

“Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge
at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment,
and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking
directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in.

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted.”

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili:

Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 — A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers

Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now,Get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I’m getting shi*%-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba’s Black Magic

Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 400-lb.*itch is starting to look HOT (just
like this nuclear waste I’m eating.) Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It
really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw
those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
and peppers.

Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.

Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shi* myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut
Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I
need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan’s screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge
# 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slides
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh*% to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve
decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
in my stomach.

Chili #8 Tommy’s Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going
to make it. Poor dude wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili.ReplyCancel

This is probably the funniest thing I’ve read all year! I emailed it out to friends and work and it circulated around and had everyone talking and laughing about it 🙂 enjoy!

http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Content?oid=1206006ReplyCancel

Here it is, Barbie!

Telemarketer calls a “murder scene!”

http://www.tinyurl.com/radioprankReplyCancel